We are a household of readers. I have been a book junkie for as long as I can remember, that husband o’ mine is a huge newspaper addict and the resident teenagers read anything and everything that crosses their paths.
Speaking of teenagers, when it comes to my teens and their choices of reading material, my philosophy is don’t forbid, discuss. I do believe children need guidance amongst the book shelves, but I do not believe in “this book is for ages 5 and up” labels. Granted, some subject matter obviously bears consideration of the child reader’s psychological makeup, maturity and temperament.
Honestly, when my children were young enough for this to be an issue, they were also young enough to be happy in the children’s section of the library or bookstore. And in that realm I never had a problem with children’s books about beliefs that differed from ours, because I was right there to guide my budding readers, right there to say things like “That’s interesting. Now what we believe/do/say is . . . .” or to explain why we don’t believe/do/say whatever-the-case-may-be.
Like everything else in parenting, I believe there is no substitute for not just my presence, but my active involvement–from birth into teendom and beyond. The level of my active involvement is what changes and grows as my children change and grow.
While I have truly never said “no” to a book one of my kiddos wanted to read, around ages 9-12 I did find the need from time to time to say something along the lines of “I’m not sure you need this level of relationship talk/sex talk/violence spelled out just yet.” Neither of my now-teens protested the few times that happened. You know why? No, they’re not “yes babies” and no, they’re not suppressed, either. When steering them from a particular book, I would be very specific, for example, “This book is really graphic in violence/sexual nature/the like that I just don’t think you need in your head right now.”
You other parents out there know how pre-teens and young teens are about sexual topics. While mine may have been curious, the usual response I got was “ew, no,” if I so much as gave any remotely sex-related detail. I didn’t set an age for when I stopped doing that, it just happened naturally. Any and all subject matter is approachable in our world, and I am convinced that makes all the difference. I have never said “We just don’t do that/read that/believe that” without talking about details, then welcoming and encouraging questions and discussion.
There have been many talks around our home: relationship talks, sex talks, drug talks, dating talks, how people work talks, lots of questions and discussions along those lines of growing up. Some were started by me, many more were initiated by my teens. Here is the key to my ability to say I don’t forbid, I discuss: I work to know my teenagers. I know their beliefs and opinions, and I trust that they have developed a filter of discernment that will only strengthen as they grow.
Today, the aforementioned teenagers are 17 and almost-15 and I strongly feel it is not my choice to determine what they read. I do suggest books, nudge them to read this or that one, and I absolutely make a point to notice what books they check out or buy. Sometimes I read those books, too–not to supervise, but out of curiosity and enjoyment.
The shared love of reading is one of the best gifts my kids could ever give me.
DanaB is a wife and mom, spending her days practicing a creative life and loving sunshine. She can be found posting now and again at Windows Wide Open.
yeah, we are rapidly getting to that stage too. you need to be able to trust your kids will recognize the garbage and walk away. it’s when all our good parenting will come to bare fruit.
my big reader, my daughter, is 11 and she picked out a book not too long ago. just from the cover I knew I would need to pre-read. so glad I did – lots of talk about stuff she has no idea is out there and at her age, I want her to keep that innocence longer than the “average” American child. as it turned out, she forgot about the book and I never needed to explain why she couldn’t read it.
I’ve been saying for years, I can’t wait for my kiddos to be old enough to discuss these big issues in our culture and I’m almost there. woohoo! TEENS! it’s exciting to me to see my kids mature into young people coming into their own. discussing books with them will be quite welcome around here.
monica
Sounds like a very sensible approach to me, Dana. Thanks for sharing it. I enjoyed your post.
Thanks Dana. Great thoughts! I am SO there. My 11-year-old is pretty discerning about what she reads, but she reads a LOT, and getting quality stuff into her hands is getting harder.
She does take my recommendations, along with my cautions, and we do discuss. But there’s no WAY I can keep up with her volume.
She knows I trust her. There’s a lot out there that she’s not ready for, so hopefully she won’t stumble into something.
I feel strongly that children should read what they want to read. I think a lot of this is because I have seen too many children turned off to reading because they hear that they can’t read something too many times. As a teacher, there are books that I simply do not carry in my library because I don’t think that it is appropriate for me to hand over to my teens to read. As a parent, I think that you should read what they are reading and talk about books with your children. There is an age where children don’t want you to read to them as much, but that does not mean that they want you to be completely withdrawn from their book lives. As adults, don’t we enjoy talking about the books that we like? Teenagers also need that outlet. They will talk with their friends if they share the same interest in books, but it is not a “cool” conversation to have in front of everyone. So, you still should be involved in what your children read, and in order to do that, you have to read the books.
Funny that you should post this right now, because my nine year old son is begging to be allowed to move on the the 4th Harry Potter book… we did make him wait to start the series until 2nd grade (I believe) and he’s been allowed to move on bit by bit over the last two years. But I’m not even sure what is making me want to hold back anymore. At nine, he’s a much different kid than he was at seven, and he’s been exposed to more things in media and print, so I think I’ll be telling him that he can start his rainy spring break off tomorrow with Harry and the gang. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic!
Thanks to all of you for commenting…I so enjoy discussing books and reading–for any and all ages!
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It sounds like you have done a terrific job in guiding your kids with their reading. 🙂
I think the parental involvement really is key, here. My parents were strongly anti-censorship to the point that they stayed oblivious to my reading material by choice. It led me a long way astray as I read more and more and more occult books starting around age 8. I’m also anti-censorship but I believe more strongly in parental guidance. Like you, I’ve never flat out refused to let a kid read a book. I guide them by letting them know what sort of material is in a book and we emphasize keeping our minds focused on purity and nobility through our media choices. Not that we reject more “earthy” reading material, but I’ve been teaching the kids for years to read with a critical mind and to evaluate what they read through the lens of their own beliefs. Sometimes that comes in the form of me saying, “See, that’s interesting. We say/think/do….” but more and more they’re doing that part on their own. They’ll point those things out to me instead of the other way around. They’re also learning their own tolerances for objectionable material. The 12-year-old will say, “Kissing/romance – ewwww, no!” The 13-year-old will say, “Is it dirty/raunchy romance or is it ‘sweet’?” I love that because each recognizes her own limits on what she’s willing to take into her head and deal with. It’s something I feel they never would have learned if I had just said “No” to books that had “objectionable” material.
Exactly! I have forbidden certain books for my daughter (this was written by a guest poster, not me), but I told her why. However, in general, I guide her, and that has led to her often putting down a book on her own that she thought was inappropriate.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I love this approach and applaud it. I also try to “read what my kids are reading.” I’m a little full of future dystopian society, but it makes for great dialogue with the kids. I substitute teach and find this often gives me an “in” with the kids and I don’t have to be too much of a hard arse in the classroom (Junior High kids can be brutal). Thanks for sharing your approach.